Judge Not

Looking back, there are some people in my life that I had admired simply because I thought they were wittier, smarter, funnier, or better in some way. I envied their lifestyle, clothing, and confidence--even the snarky comebacks I could never seem to come up with until after-the-fact. They're cool but don't try to be. They're well-read and cultured. I even found myself judging as they judge, forming assumptions of others based on appearances, stereotypes, and/or rumors.

In my invalid admiration, I put myself in the very boxes they seem to hold with contempt and disdain. So long as I held on to this invisible power-play, I continued to believe I was lesser than simply because I didn't know what they knew. Senseless in so many ways. The truth is I don't know them well enough to assert whether they are as sinister as I've just made them seem, or if they are inherently good people and I am just jealous. That's not fair to anyone.

We are all flawed, we are all judged.

Having recognized this, I’m learning to care less about how others may see me. Judgments are temporary and often stem from my own insecurities. I aim to have the discipline to do what makes me happy.

I say "discipline" because of the dedication it takes to overcome the roadblocks and excuses that hinder me from doing what I know will ultimately benefit me. For example, there are some settings that I know will not bring out the best in me. I must find the discipline to avoid such situations, even when it means keeping distance from people who may misinterpret my absence as an unspoken dismissal of our acquaintance. Finding the strength to say "no" is a discipline, because it’s easier to give in and avoid confrontation.

There are some people who I may now consider a friend, but will find that as the seasons pass, so does their place in my life. This does not make any one person better than the other, for a daisy is no better than a tulip. It is okay to let go, to mourn the loss and still love, whatever the reason for the relationship’s end.

I am working on this art of letting go, of not caring when others wrong or disrespect me while still finding a dignified way to stand up for what is right. I am also learning how to be as peaceful and caring as I feel without being taken advantage of. It's just as difficult as it sounds, especially in the heat of the moment when conflict inevitably arises. In letting go, I am practicing acceptance, to accept myself and others--just as we are--even though we make mistakes and side-step our morals on what can feel like a daily basis. I want the discipline to be myself at all times.

During my lunch break yesterday, I walked to a local sandwich shop and back. I felt a serene happiness in watching the breeze tickle the treetops. In that moment alone with the blue sky, I could feel my soul charging. Smiling like a loon all to myself as I bopped along on the sidewalk to the melodies in my ear, I wonder if I was a funny sight to passersby, a topic of unbecoming discussion, a label. Possibly. So long as I am true to who I am, what would it matter anyway? No one can build me up, no one can tear me down.

I want to live the rest of my life with this mentality.

6/6/13