The Three Most Common Instances When One Feels Comfortable Talking Shit About Someone Else

Instance A. When you absolutely trust this person no matter what 

We yield our trust for several reasons. I’ve noticed that I share the most about myself with either those closest to me or to absolute strangers. Seems crazy, but think about it. 

A best friend knows your shit, sometimes literally. Determining the qualities of a best friend is up to the individual, but it’s usually someone we’ve known for a long time (probably during our formative years), who shares common interests and experiences. Whatever the case, this bond supports the type of trust required for all-out shit-talking. Yet, haven’t you ever experienced the release of spilling your guts to someone who doesn’t know your history?

There’s an illusory power assumed when meeting someone new. Because this person knows very little about us, what we show them is what they will believe. It’s not that we lie about who we are—those with keen intuition are able to see through the average shyster—but we choose which information to keep private. If the vibe is right, and especially if there is a romantic interest, sometimes we share more than we think, and it’s not always just about ourselves. Often times, it’s only in retrospect that we realize we’ve shared too much.

Instance B. When the possibility of both parties ever meeting is slim

You want to share the funny story your chess club buddy told you? The one about their third cousin twice removed who migrated to Honduras four years ago? Go for it, you sneaky heathen you. No one will ever know… except your conscious. Just know there is someone out there somewhere in the world who knows an embarrassing tidbit about YOU. It may just come back around someday. 

Instance C. When there is a shared distaste for the third party

We are walking, talking Venn Diagrams. It breaks down like this:

Figure 1

Here’s where trust can blur. Even if we don’t completely trust the person we’re confiding in, we’ll still feel comfortable doing so because of the joint blackmail: you know they won’t tell because they’ve said shit too. Foolproof, right? (Hint: the keyword in foolproof is not proof.)

Meet “John” and “Sally”. 
-Sally, John and I are all mutually acquainted.
-Sally and I are friends.
-John and I are not friends.
-John and Sally are not friends.
Now, what is the square root of sausage? Just kidding… 

Let’s say John keeps talking shit about me to Sally, even though he knows we’re good friends. Sally tells me about it, and I believe her because I trust her. Given Figure 1 above, when John talks shit about me to Sally, one of four things is happening: 

1. John is naively experiencing Instance A.
2. Sally is a motherfucking liar. John thinks I’m fantastic.
3. I’m the motherfucker in a classic Instance C.
4. Maybe I shouldn’t talk so much shit.

Gee whiz, why is socialism so complicated? 

Moral of the story: everybody is somebody’s motherfucker unless you keep your motherfucking mouth shut. 

11/20/12