Less Afraid

(Original post was written 9/9/12)

Two months ago, my father passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly. 

My entire perception has changed dramatically in every way. He and I were very close and to lose him this soon is an experience I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. I am still very much grieving, and there is not a day that passes I do not think about him, but as the initial shock begins to wear off I am trying to remain optimistic and find joy again. 

One of the ways I find joy is through music.

As my dad got older, he developed an interest in singing fado. Fado is a traditional style of Portuguese music akin to the blues. The lyrics are poetic and the subject is often one of longing for someone or something. A fadista (singer) customarily performs with a Portuguese guitar and a classical guitar, but there are several different styles of fado. Carlos Saura's 2007 film Fados is a compilation that showcases the variety of this genre. 

Most of the fado I grew up recognizing though is very distinct and sounds like this. "Canoa do Tejo" is a fado I remember my dad practicing a lot, which would explain why I know the words by heart.

Around a month after his passing, my daughter turned seven, and we celebrated with a party at a lake. With my father on my mind and my drum in hand, I happened upon a moment alone. I felt a beat… then I heard "Canoa do Tejo"… and came up with this…

If there is any silver lining at all in losing someone you love, it is in the lessons you learn from losing them. You’ll appreciate them in ways you never knew you did, and (ideally) you’ll learn to make better relationships with those around you.

One of the lessons for me is to push through fear: fear to share my voice, of judgment, of failure. There is much I do not say or do out of fear, but fear cannot be the ruling factor in my life any longer. 

Nothing really matters other than to serve my purpose while I am here. Everything else is temporary bullshit.

        I will listen,
        I will be humble,
        I will learn from my mistakes and not dwell on them,
        I will stand up for my beliefs and share them without pretension,
        I will share my gifts without vanity,
        I will speak the truth, even if it is unpopular.

Things haven’t gotten any less scary, but I am less afraid.